


The never ending circle of fate

by Julylily



Category: Arthurian Mythology, Merlin (TV)
Genre: Gen, Post-Season/Series 05 Finale, trying to tie the show with the arthurian legend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 21:36:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15715545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Julylily/pseuds/Julylily
Summary: Gaius is awaiting Merlin's return after his journey with a fatally wounded Arthur to lake Avalon.





	The never ending circle of fate

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to find a way to explain how the show ended without Arthur and Merlin having fulfilled their destiny.  
> Hope you like it!
> 
> First fanfic. Not Betaed so all mistakes are mine.

Gaius waited four long days for Merlin to cross the threshold to their chambers. He kept himself busy with potion preparation and reading but his mind continuously wandered to his young apprentice. Where was he? What had happened? Was the king saved at Lake Avalon? He had prepared Merlin’s favorite meal two days ago, hoping to see him barge in but no one had appeared except one of the knights, come to inquire if  
he had any news from Merlin.

The fourth night, Merlin appeared at the door, his eyes red from crying, his face haggard. He looked at Gaius without saying anything. And the old man stared back, at lost for words of comfort. The young man walked to his room and closed the door.

***

The next morning, the queen herself was at the door of Gaius’ chambers.  
“Where is he, Gaius?” she exclaimed, looking around, anxious to see Merlin. “I must talk to him. I must know what happened to my husband!”  
“He’s in his room.” answered Gaius.  
Gwen went to Merlin’s door and knocked softly on the panel.  
“Merlin? It’s Gwen. I need to talk to you.”  
No one answered. She knocked again.  
“Merlin, please!”  
After a time, she knocked harder, getting angry by Merlin’s disregard of her. “Merlin! Your queen demands that you open that door immediately!”  
But silence was her only answer.  
“It is intolerable!” she cried. “Gards! Break down that door!”

Sir Leon and Sir Percival who were observing the scene from the entrance rushed in to obey the queen’s order. They tried to open the door but they could do nothing against the magic that held it closed. After a few tries, Sir Leon shook his head. “I’m sorry, You Highness. But it is no use. Whatever trick holds that door, it won’t let us open it.”  
Gwen looked sorrowfully at Gaius who lowered his eyes. He understood Gwen’s pain but he did also understand Merlin’s own. The boy needed to mourn by himself. He should be allowed all the time he needed to do so. So, after the queen’s and the knights’ departure, he sat on his stool and kept a vigil, remembering that night Merlin had waited for Arthur, after his father’s passing. The young man had not wanted the king to feel alone in his grief. Now, he hoped that Merlin could sense his presence and know that he, too, was not alone.

Gaius waited for three more days, never hearing a sound from the adjoining room. If he didn’t know any better, he could have thought that Merlin was dead. At last, the door opened and a very rumpled Merlin appeared. He had not change clothes or wash. He walked to the table and sat. In a rusty voice, he asked for water that he drank greedily. Gaius served him food and watched him eat. Then, while Merlin was finishing his plate, Gaius spoke.

“Are you all right?” Merlin shook his head slightly. “What happened?”  
“I…I couldn’t help… him, Gaius.” His voice trembled. “We were too late.”  
Gaius patted Merlin’s hand. “I’m sure you did all you could. It’s not your fault.”  
He sighed. “You need to talk to Gwen now. Are you strong enough to see her?”  
“I’m not sure. It’s hard to talk about… him.”  
“I know but think of Gwen. It’s hard on her too. She lost her husband. She wasn’t with him in his last hours. She needs to know his last words, his last thoughts.”  
Merlin sighed.  
“You’re right, Gaius, as always. I didn’t think about Gwen’s grief. I was only thinking of my own.”  
“She has to move on and take Arthur’s place. She has to look strong for everyone in Camelot. Let her be weak with you. You are old friends. Let her share your grief, and you, hers.

An hour later, after a good wash and a change of clothes, Merlin was walking the familiar corridors of the Camelot Citadel. It felt strange to know that never again would Arthur be inside those walls. It was almost unbearable to see his bedchamber door. His steps faltered. He couldn’t. He was turning around, determined to go back to Gaius when the door opened and Gwen appeared.  
“Merlin!” she exclaimed. And she threw her arms around him and started to weep her heart out. Slowly he put his arms around her and held her awkwardly while she cried. His own eyes stayed dry. He had shed all his tears for now. Finally, she wiped angrily her cheeks and smiled feebly. “I’m sorry. I know a queen is not supposed to show that kind of emotion but I’m still a blacksmith’s daughter deep down inside.”  
Merlin answered with a smile of his own but said nothing. Everything felt empty, devoid of joy or purpose. 

She made him sat at the table where he had waited for so many years on Arthur. The reminder brought pain. There were his clothes. His pen and papers were still lying on his working table. He wanted to double over with pain but kept still and waited for Gwen to sit by. She took his hand in hers. “I want you to tell me what happened after the battle.”  
Merlin nodded. In a monotonous voice, he chronicled the last two days of his friend, how he has found him bleeding, wounded by a magical sword. How Gaius thought an ancient magic existing in the middle of Lake Avalon could save him. How they rode slowly, with Arthur weakening by the hour. How they were attacked by Morgana and how he tried to carry him to the lake but Arthur couldn’t take it anymore.  
“He… di…died in my arms.”  
Gwen had resumed her weeping. “Did he say anything for me?” Merlin looked for a long moment at their entwined hands, unsure if he should say the truth or lie. “He asked me to tell you that he loved you” he finally said. She wept harder.  
“I’m sorry I couldn’t save him”, added Merlin. “I was supposed to protect him and I failed. If you want to banish me from Camelot, I would understand.”  
“What are you talking about?” exclaimed Gwen. She looked shocked by Merlin’s words. “I don’t understand. How could it be your fault? I won’t banish you. On the contrary, I was of a mind to have you honored for helping the king.”  
Merlin seemed abashed. “Please, don’t.” He was so used to live in the shadows that he disliked to be placed in the spot.  
“Why not? You did so much more than what you said…”  
“What…?”  
“I know about your magical powers.”  
Merlin gave her a startled look.  
“You’re wrong. I don’t… I… don’t have…”  
“Yes, you do. There’s no need to deny it. Gaius told me.”  
He lowered his head, defeated. There was no use denying anything now. Maybe dying was what he deserved for his failure at keeping Arthur safe.  
“I’m… I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have… I understand the consequences of using magic. If you want to execute me, I will surrender willingly.”  
“Merlin! Stop it! No one is going to execute you. Yesterday, I lifted the ban on magic. From this day on, anyone in the realm is free to use magic if it’s for good deeds. Gaius helped me change the law.”  
Merlin was speechless. “You… you lifted the ban on magic? I’m free to use it whenever I want? I’m free to be who I am?”  
Gwen smiled. “I know you are a great sorcerer. I saw you at Camlann. Gaius told me it was you. Since when are you a sorcerer?”  
He felt so uncomfortable with the topic.  
“Since I was born.”  
“Do you mean you had magic all this time, with Uther around?”  
“Yes.”  
“Good God, Merlin! It must have been awful to hide so.”  
Merlin wouldn’t look Gwen in the eyes. He kept his head bowed as if he felt ashamed.  
“I want to apologize to you.”  
“For what?”  
“I’m the one who saved your father and got you condemned for sorcery.”  
“There is nothing to apologize for. On the contrary, I’m grateful for what you did.”  
“But I was careless.”  
“You saved my father and I was freed. Nothing else matters. I know now that all the time you were by Arthur’s side, you were protecting him with your magic. Tell me what you did.”  
“Mostly I deflected weapons so they would cause no harm to Arthur.”  
“Surely, there is more to it! Tell me why you were not at Camlann. Gaius said it was for an important matter but refused to say more on the subject.”  
Merlin kept his eyes ont the table, his voice monotonous. “Morgana had robbed me of my magic and I was powerless to defend Arthur. So I went to a magical cave to regain it. I was able to send a warning to Arthur in his sleep…”  
“Yes! I remember! He woke up with your name on his lips. I said it was only a dream, but he knew it was important. He told me that it didn’t feel like a dream. So it was you, you were protecting him even if you weren’t there.”  
“And I failed though I knew who the assassin would be!” Merlin’s tone was harsh. Gwen looked at him with alarm.  
“How could you have known what was to happen?”  
“I was warned by many. There was that druid seer one time, on our way to Ismere. He showed me vision of the future, of Arthur dying by Mordred’s hand. I try to warn him but he was such a dollophead!”  
“Yeah!” Both laughed, remembering times when Arthur had been so pigheaded. But Merlin sobered up quickly. “I knew since my first meeting with Mordred that he would kill Arthur. The great dragon had warned me against him, said that I shouldn’t save the druid boy, but what could I have done?” Unknowingly, he had started to cry. “He was just a little boy. I couldn’t kill him! But if I had done so, Arthur would still be alive today!”  
“Oh Merlin! I didn’t know!” she went over to him and hugged him tightly while he wept brokenly. “I wish you could have confided in me. I wish you hadn’t been so alone in your anguish.”  
“Sometimes I felt it was too much for one man to bear. 

It was in Arthur that he wished so much to confide. He was the only one who could have understood the burden of a great destiny. But instead, he had to hide his misgivings, his sorrow and play the droll buffoon for him.

“Did you have the chance to tell him about your powers before…?”  
“Yes. He didn’t react well. He distrusted me, almost feared me. I was devastated. But with time, he got used to the idea. He realized that I was the same as always. And he… thanked me for everything I did.”  
He disentangled himself from Gwen’s embrace. He felt uncomfortable with her touching him. Someone knocked on the door. Sir Leon’s head popped in. “Your Majesty, your presence is requested in the Council chambers.”  
She looked at Merlin, chagrined. “Yes. I’m coming.” Then to Merlin: “We will resume this conversation tomorrow.” Merlin nodded then left the room.

***

The next morning, even though Merlin was awake at dawn, he stayed in bed. It was a luxury he could have only dreamed of during his time with Arthur. But now, it felt sad. It meant nobody needed him. He was useless, unwanted. 

He heard voices outside and went to investigate. He found Gaius, nonplussed with rich clothes in his arms. “What is this?” he asked his old mentor.  
“It is a gift for you from the queen.”  
“For me? I can’t accept that. Those clothes are not fit for a servant.”  
“You’re no longer a servant, Merlin. At least, you’re going to be a higher kind of servant.” Seeing that Merlin didn’t understand, he added: “You are to be nominated First counsellor to the queen. The ceremony is this afternoon and those are the clothes you are to wear for it.”  
“No! It can’t be! I don’t want it, Gaius! Why is she doing this to me? Why can’t she leave me alone?”  
“Merlin, this is your reward for all your services to the throne. I don’t understand why you are so upset.”  
“I was supposed to be counsellor to Arthur, not Gwen!”  
Gaius looked at him with sad eyes. “I know, Merlin, but at one point, you will have to let it go and start building a new life for yourself.”  
Merlin sighed, regretting his outburst. “Give me those clothes. I hope I won’t look like the queen’s jester.”

The throne chamber was filled to the rooftop. People from the lower part of city and from the villages around had come to pay homage to this man who had cared for their king during many years. And who, it was rumored, was a great sorcerer. The knights, dressed in vivid red, formed lines on each side of the aisle that led to the throne, where the queen, clad in gold, was waiting to praise the young man. Merlin fretted on the outside of the giant wood doors. He didn’t like his new tunic, it was too soft, smelled wrong. Then, the doors opened and he was forced to walk down the aisle with all eyes on him. He couldn’t breathe. He closed his eyes then opened them. And then he saw him, standing on the platform next to Gwen. He knew that he wasn’t really there but it wasn’t only a figment of his imagination. It felt like with his father, when he had come to him in the crystal cave. Real or not was of no consequence. The only thing that mattered was that truth he was discovering, that Arthur would always be with him no matter what, just like the many dear ones he had lost, Freya, his father, Lancelot, Elyan, Gwaine. He would never walk alone on this earth. His steps would always be shadowed by the spirits of his loved ones.  
Gwen welcomed him with a pat on the shoulder. She gave him a medallion that had been Arthur’s as a token of gratitude for all his deeds to Camelot. She gave speech about his dedication to the king, his courage and loyalty to all, his kindness. She spoke of magic, how he embodied its goodness when it was held by such a gentle soul. At last, she made him her counsellor. He would have the power to dispense his wisdom and to influence discussions and strategies. He would do openly what he had tried to achieve with Arthur.

He was given his own chambers near the royal ones. It used to be Agravaine’s before his demise. He acquired books on magic and spent most of his time studying them and increasing his knowledge until he surpassed Gaius. He helped the queen establish peace in the kingdom. Curiously, now that magic was permitted, instead of flourishing, it declined until most of it was lost. Those who had magic were not hunted down anymore so they ceased to use it to defend themselves and with time, it died with them.  
Gaius passed away a few years later of old age. Merlin mourned him like a son. Another physician took his place, one more modern and ignorant of things magical.  
Almost all of Merlin’s evenings were spent with the queen. She sought him out to talk of Arthur. She never tired to hear him tell their adventures. At the end of one of those nights, when he was about to retire, she took his hand and said “I feel so alone. Don’t go.” He hesitated, not sure of what was the wisest course. She closed the space between them and looked him in the eye. He said nothing, not even looking back at her. She touched lightly his lips with her own, a feathery touch. He flinched. “Please…, she whispered. I need to feel alive again.” He finally yielded, kissing her back like the clumsy boy he was. She led him to the bed where she divested him of his clothes, slowly, as if careful not to spook him. He was trembling.  
“Are you cold?” she asked. She pushed him gently on the bed.  
“No.”  
“Are you afraid then?”  
“No.”  
“Then why are you trembling?”  
“I don’t know.”  
Gwen smiled while she disrobed herself.  
“Don’t tell me it’s your first time. You are past thirty, Merlin. Surely you’ve been with a woman before.”  
Merlin said nothing but stared at her nude body, his eyes so round that Gwen arched her eyebrow and chuckled. “Well that is a surprise! You’re going to make me feel wicked, robbing you of your innocence!” Merlin only smiled. “Tell me what I have to do” he said in a low voice.  
“All that magical knowledge and so ignorant in the art of the bedroom! teased Gwen. But all thoughts fled her as he touched her body. His hands were strong but gentle. He marvelled at the softness of her skin. He had never really touched a woman, never knew they were so soft. He had a vague memory of his kiss with Freya, long time ago but he never had the chance to really touch her. Then his fantasies had revolved around a certain male body worshipped from afar.  
He caressed Gwen’s body for a long time, exploring her breast, her limbs and that secret place he didn’t know existed, and when she couldn’t endure his ministrations any longer, she showed him how to take her. The pleasure took him by surprise. It was so intense he thought he would die.  
He had his face buried in Gwen’s neck when she spoke. “Merlin, she whispered in awe, what is happening?” His head was muddled so it took him a few seconds to realize that the room was glowing in a soft blue haze not so different from the crystal cave. He got on his elbows and looked around. “I don’t know. But I think… it’s my magic. Maybe this…”- he waved his hand at her-“released something in me.”  
She touched his face tenderly. “You are a special one, Merlin.”

They slept together only once or twice after that night, then one day, while they were dining together in silence, Gwen stared somberly at him and said: “I have decided to remarry. The kingdom needs a king and an heir to the throne.” Merlin smiled. “I hope you haven’t decided to make me king. I would have to decline, Your Highness.”  
“No, idiot. I know that your destiny is not to be king. I also know that you are not meant for me. Our little interlude was just that.”  
He looked at her, puzzled. “Are you breaking up with me?” Deep down, he felt relieved.  
“It was just a temporary thing. It couldn’t have gone on any longer.”  
“I understand milady.”  
He stood up, ready to take his leave.  
“Merlin?” she called before he left the room.  
“Yes?”  
“There’s never been a better friend than you.”  
***  
Five months later, the queen of Camelot married Sir Leon in a lavish ceremony that brought joy to the entire kingdom. While everyone was feasting, Merlin disappeared from the castle never to be seen again by his friends.  
He went to live like a hermit in a little hut in the middle of a distant forest. For many years he stayed there, alone, studying and longing for the past.  
Slowly time passed, Merlin grew into that old man he was destined to be. He was vaguely aware that things were changing. The kingdoms had been united. A country called England was emerging. But these events were of no consequence to him. They did not touch him. It was as if time itself had forgotten him.  
And then one day, while his back was paining him after too many hours leaning over books, he found what he had been looking for. A way to turn back the tides of time, the enchantment to go back and change the past.

***

When he saw Camelot’s white castle for the first time after all these years, he was surprised by the air of newness that surrounded it. In the city, people were striving, food aplenty, kids running between stalls of every kind of wares. Merlin was proud to see all that bounty and joie de vivre. He realized, though, that people were staring at him with distrust in their eyes. He must be a frightful sight with his unkempt clothes and hair.

At the castle, he asked to see the king. A soldier led him to the throne chamber. There, he discovered a young Uther, full of life and passion. “Are you the sorcerer I was promised?” said he when he saw Merlin.  
Merlin was surprised by such a welcome. He had no clue about what was going on.  
“Yes” he mumbled.  
“Then find a way so I can have that woman, Gorlois’ wife. I must lay with her or die.”  
“But isn’t it against the honor’s code to sleep with someone else’s wife?”  
“Spare me the lecture, warlock, and do what you were asked for!”  
Merlin knew enough of Uther’s history to understand that Gorlois’ wife, Ygern, was destined to be Arthur’s mother.  
“Sire, I will give you the appearance of Gorlois so you may enter his castle and lay with his wife without any suspicions.”  
“Excellent! We depart tonight for Tintagel.”  
Merlin lifted his hand, stopping him.  
“Sire, if you want me to perform this enchantment, you will have to give me something in return.”  
Uther was too eager to possess Ygern to think clearly.  
“Whatever you ask, I’ll give it to you.  
“Sire, Ygern will have a son from this night. I want you to give me the child to do as I see fit.”  
Uther hesitated. A child… To give his own child to this stranger?  
“Will you kill it or make it suffer?”  
“No, not at all. I will worship this child for he is destined to be the greatest king this land has ever seen.  
“So be it.”  
Uther and Merlin rode out in the night to the Tintagel castle, home of Gorlois. There, while the master was away waging war on a trespassing neighbour, Uther came to Ygern in the guise of her husband. Merlin waved the enchantment around the castle and waited for the end of the night at the castle’s door. When dawn came, he saw a dark-haired girl of about five looking at him from a low window.  
“Who are you?” she asked without words.  
“Merlin, he answered in the same fashion. And you?”  
“I am Morgana.”  
Merlin shuddered. Would he be strong enough to avoid all the perils in Arthur’s future life?  
“Go back to bed, Morgana, he ordered her. You destiny has not yet begun.”

***

Gorlois was killed the same night Arthur was conceived. Nine months later, Ygern gave birth to a healthy boy. Uther took him despite his mother’s cries and gave him to Merlin who disappeared with the baby in his arms.  
Safely away from Uther, the warlock peered down at the little bundle in his arms, saw a puckered face and two shiny blue eyes in its middle. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Then he whispered in the baby’s ear: “You shall be named Arthur, the once and future king of Camelot. And I promise that no harm will ever come to you while I live.”


End file.
